A Friday Quickie :)

TGIF, mates!
This morning I went to the trail and did another 3 miles :) It took 5 minutes longer today than yesterday because:
1. I forgot to pee before I went, so I had to pee in nature which meant that I just stood there for an extended period of time looking/listening around me to make sure there was no one else within eye/ear shot.
2. The spiderwebs were seriously out of control. I had to pause multiple times just to make sure that there weren't eggs being implanted into my pores. Yuck, I didn't feel good about that.
3. I kept tripping! I was so worried about the damn spiderwebs that I wasn't paying attention to what was beneath my feet so I came VERY close to literally 'biting the dust' on multiple occasions!

Aside from the run/hike this morning, I didn't do all that much.

Food went pretty well until this afternoon when I mistakenly allowed myself to get to the point of ravenous hunger and, well I fucked up. Here's my day of eating:

Breakfast
Vegan protein shake w/ light soy milk
1/2 c oatmeal w/ cinnamon and raisins (cooked in water)

Snack
7 tortilla chips and salsa (7 chips is one portion - I actually counted!)

Lunch
Pizza on homemade Whole Wheat pizza crust with a plethora of veggies and herbs (no cheese, obviously)

Snack
Carrots and hummus
More than a portion of chips and salsa
Handful of peanut butter filled pretzels

Dinner
Not eating dinner tonight. I snacked late enough and had enough calories in the snack I don't feel it's necessary... and I'm going out tonight :)

Yes, I'm going out but I'm committing to only drinking vodka and soda water (no beer!) and no cigarettes.
Tomorrow is going to be my rest day. My legs were hurting pretty bad after my run today! I believe I'll be spending the afternoon soaking up the sun with my dear friend by the pool :)

That's all I have for today! Enjoy your weekend! Make healthy choices :)

One More Time...

I can only imagine what you're all thinking at this point. I know, I know.. I've said a million times "I'm back!" and then I fuck it up and let everything else take over my brain. Case in point, the last month(ish). I don't know if any of you fine readers have been through a separation/divorce situation but damnit, it's not easy. I'll be honest in saying that I've been really depressed lately and in dealing with all of this it has brought a crap-ton of issues that I never even realized I had to the front line. Which only makes me more depressed. So, I've been drowning and suffocating my sorrows with booze and cigarettes and eating anything and everything bad for me (hello french fries on the daily) and not working out. Shocking (or not, obviously), I feel like shit. Well, felt like shit. Because I think my head is finally back on correctly. (serious this time)
I went out on Tuesday night and there was a photographer at the bar taking random candid shots of everyone having a great time... he snapped a photo of me and as he took it I was thinking to myself "This is a great angle, I can't wait to see this!"... and then this morning I woke up and saw the picture online. Holy puffy face, batman. I was REALLY upset to see myself looking so awful and inflated. Then I started thinking, "Hey dummy, you just spent the last year working your ass off (literally) and you're fucking it up!" SO I'm done. I'm done abusing my body. I'm done allowing this depression to ruin my current and future life. I'm done feeling sorry for myself.
The offensive picture:

After making this decision I immediately got dressed and went out to my favorite park to run my favorite trail. I ran a 3 mile trail (including a 1 mile uphill hike) in 47 minutes. I was pretty pleased with my time! Beyond the time factor, I was sweating my ass off, I could feel the burn in said ass while hiking uphill and I felt great at the end. After that, I made far better food choices today and tried to keep a water bottle with me at all times. Also, after dinner I took Nora on a 3.25 mile walk, which also stirred up quite the sweat. :) Now, at 11ish pm, I feel better than I have in quite some time. I was still in a pissy/annoyed/slightly depressed mood today and damnit if I wasn't tempted to just dominate a giant bag of tortilla chips and salsa but I just kept telling myself "NO!"... and for the first time in some time, I actually listened.
I already told you about my exercise today, so here's what I ate:

Breakfast
Vegan protein shake w/ light soy milk

Snack
2 stalks of Celery with peanut butter

Lunch
Small bowl of brown rice/refried black beans/veggies (zucchini, mushrooms, bell peppers, onions)/avocado/salsa

Snack
None

Dinner
Whole wheat penne pasta w/ grilled veggies and fire roasted tomatoes

Late Snack (not recommended but I was hungry after the walk)
2 stalks of celery with peanut butter

I'm pleased with my choices today! All healthy and all totally delicious :)

Something else that I decided today was to start an Active Women's group! I created the group on Facebook called Active Women of NKY . The purpose of the group is to get the ladies of NKY moving, or to help the ladies that already move stay motivated and meet new friends! I want to spread the knowledge that being fit can be fun and doesn't always have to mean just going to a gym! If you're on Facebook and you're interested, click the link above and 'Like' the page to keep updated on our fit outings (walks/hikes/track runs/canoeing etc) or if you're not on Facebook, you can always email me at thelosingpath@hotmail.com! :) I really hope that this group catches on!
I realized that one of the reasons I was having a hard time getting my motivation back was the gym. Thinking about going to the gym and using the same equipment or doing the same workouts just sounded awful to me. Now, I know that there are plenty of ways to switch things up in the gym, but I'm just not feeling the whole atmosphere right now. My brain needs to be free, so I'm sticking with outdoor activities for the time being! Trail running has become one of my very favorite things to do! It's like meditation/therapy mixed with exercise and I love it. It's very challenging but fun and relaxing at the same time. I saw a deer on my run on Tuesday! And I swam in spiderwebs today.... ah, the beauty of nature. lol :) My goal is to run the trail 3 times per week. I'm not making any promises because it's a little far out (approx 25 minute drive in the country - a beautiful drive!) but I am going to do my best to stick with it! The trails coupled with the activity of my new women's group and my re-found nutrition discipline SHOULD keep me going in the right direction!
I'm also looking forward to this women's group for myself to use as an accountability source. I hate to say it, but I need that right now. I feel like I should be the one motivating and keeping others accountable, but my mind is not feeling as strong as normal and having someone giving me a quick kick in the ass every now and again could do a world of good. :)

Well, I suppose that's all I have for now! Thank you again again again for sticking with my Losing Path  , I promise to do my best to get this shit back in gear!
Until tomorrow :)

It's Goin' Down! 6/18/12

My weight, that is. I weighed myself this morning and despite the ridiculous amount of abuse I've put my body through over the last week, I've lost about 3lbs! It's nice to see the numbers heading back in the right direction.
After last week's week-long birthday celebration, I am definitely taking a break and trying to cleanse a bit! I had loads of fun with loads of booze, friends and food... and now it's time to get back to reality.
Goals for this week:
1. Drink nothing but water and green tea and drink a LOT of it!
2. Eat plenty of water-rich foods (watermelon, cucumber etc)
3. Workout at least 4 times (in the gym) and take at least 2 evening walks with Nora
4. Get my shit together for getting into school! Transcripts, testing etc
5. Lose another 3lbs (or more)
6. Go to sleep before 10pm

I'm usually not very good at writing down my goals but I'm going to start doing this more often and hope that it helps to keep me on track and focused!

I didn't go to the gym this morning, my body is still recovering from the past week of too much fun. I plan to drink loads and loads of water today to re-hydrate and get myself together so I'm ready to hit it tomorrow!

At this point, the only thing I've eaten today is a handful of blackberries but my mom and I are getting ready to go to the store to get some yummy veggies and such for the week!

Short post today but hopefully more to report tomorrow :) Until then...

Monday, June 18th
Weight: 239lbs

Wednesday 6/13/12

Oh, hello friends!
Here's a quick recap over the last few days....
Monday(my birthday!):
Workout was great! Here's what I did:

MONDAY	TIME:	42:00:00
RUN	1 MILE
5 ROUNDS OF:
LAT PULLDOWNS	10 @ 95#
CABLE ROWS	10 @ 95#
DB OVERHEAD PRESS	10 @ 20#
5 PUSHUPS
FLUTTER KICKS	30 SEC
BIKE	5 MILES

It felt awesome! The flutter kicks proved to be a bit challenging but I did my best!
Food Monday:
Breakfast - Banana and organic crunchy almond butter sandwich on toasted sprouted grain bread, Protein shake (vegan choc protein w/ light soymilk)
Lunch - 'Egg Roll Salad' at Melt in Cincy... it was spinach, bean sprouts, toasted almonds, carrots and possibly some other stuff I don't remember with a ginger hoison dressing. Yum :)... oh and I had a vegan chocolate cupcake... it was my birthday!!
Dinner - WW spaghetti w/ zucchini, onion, mushroom and garlic spaghetti sauce
In addition to this food, I also did an olive oil and vinegar tasting and had some bread with the olive oil.
Monday night I went out planning to just have "a" cocktail and, well... it turned into a few.

Tuesday I woke up feeling a bit under the weather so did not go to the gym BUT I did go canoeing for 8 freaking hours and damnit I probably burned more calories than if I had gone to the gym! I had an iced vanilla soy latte in the morning and (embarrassed to say) white castle fries for breakfast... hello hangover food! The canoe trip was a total surprise (from my awesome sister!) so I was not prepared with food.... SO whilst canoeing all I had to eat was some Grippo's bbq chips and some pistachios then after we got back to Florence, Kristen(sister) and I went to Acapulco and I had 1/2 of a veggie taco salad and some rice and beans. (no cheese or sour cream of course) Then immediately home and to bed!

Today, again I again didn't go to the gym as I woke up still completely exhausted and sore from yesterday's canoe excursions. I ate my leftovers from Acapulco for breakfast (breakfast of champs, I know) then a footlong veggie sandwich from subway for lunch (all veggies other than olives on oat bread w/ red wine vinegar and oregano) then I made Pad Thai Salad for dinner. Totes yummy. Oh and Nora and I made some vegan cupcakes today so... yeah, had some.

I really need to buckle down on the food that I'm eating. An issue with being home all the time now is that I just graze in the kitchen... I'm kinda bored so I snack. A bite here, a bite there and before you know it I've killed a tub of hummus or a jar of salsa. Granted, there are certainly worse things I could be eating but still.. I just kind of feel like shit all of the time now and I need to focus on what's going into my body. I knew that this week would be slightly abusive on the nutritional front (birthday celebrations all week long!) but that is all the more reason to be more mindful during the day of what's going on with it. Tomorrow night I'm going to 'Thirsty Thursday' at the Florence Freedom Ballpark and will be having some beers with some friends and then Saturday night we're going out for the official Birthday celebration! A lot more drinking than I normally have in my week but it doesn't happen often.

Overall I'm feeling a little... meh. I'm happy to be back in the gym and start to get my schedule back in line but I'm still feeling quite lonely and just gross. I know that it's no one's fault but my own for letting myself slip so far off of the edge but  it's still hard to feel this way. Oh well, I'm sure I'll feel better after a good workout tomorrow.

On a lighter note, I just recently ordered and received the Destiny's Child 'Writings on the Wall' and the new Usher CDs (still waiting for my TLC 'Fanmail' CD to be delivered!) and also new running shoes! Yes, I still buy CDs... and they are awesome! :)

I've been going back and looking at the meal plans that I was following when I was doing really well with everything so I'm going to start getting back to it... and I will be putting up recipes as well, I just need to get my brain into a slightly more organized place.

Thanks again to everyone sticking with me and I'll post again soon!
Happy Hump Day :)

It's Only Up-Hill from Here! 6/9/12

Aaand, she's back from the dead. 'Dead' is as good of a word as any to describe my mental/emotional status for the last couple of months. The myriad of shit that has been going on has been absolutely nothing short of depressing/exhausting/infuriating/maddening... but I am beyond happy to say that I believe things are finally starting to look up! Here's a very brief catch-up:
1. Branden and I are still separated.
2. I was fired from my job for an absolute bullshit/vague reason.
3. I'm still practiving veganism, though not eating as nutritionally well as I should. (energy level, complexion and nail strength are showing effects of this)
4. Nora and I have moved in with my parents.
5. It's turning out to be a beautiful summer.
6. I've gained 10lbs back.

WELL, now that we're all up to speed, I'm very happy to report that I am really feeling like I'm back in my groove again. I've just completed a week of good ass-busting workouts and I've been working on getting my nutrition back to where it needs to be, though it is still a work-in-progress. (Though honestly, isn't it always?) This week I've mostly been working on getting back into the workouts and kind of testing my fitness level so they haven't all been greatly organized, but on Monday I... have a plan...
I've been running 1 mile at the beginning of each workout this week and I like it so I'm going to continue to do that.
Here's the workout that I did yesterday:

Warm-up: Run 1 Mile
Squats 4(sets) x 12(reps) x 65(lbs)
Kneeling Squats 4 x 12 x 65
Switch Step 4 x 30 seconds
Good Mornings 4 x 12 x 65
Calf Raises 4 x 12(straight)/6(toes in)/6(toes out) x 45
Flutter Kicks 2 x 30 seconds
Plank 2 x 30 seconds
Cool Down(not really cool): Bike 5 Miles

Feeling pretty good after that one!
On Monday I'm going to continue to begin each workout with running 1 mile and then I'm going to incorporate the Crossfit-style workouts that I've done before. It seems that those workouts were the most effective when it came to visibly seeing the improvement in my body, so I'm going to do that again but with the extra cardio. I'm excited!

I'm trying to look at things in a more positive light and take advantage of the positive opportunity given in any situation. I'm determined to make this summer the best one yet! I was really pissed off when I was fired for my job at first, mostly because of the way I was dismissed after having worked my ass off for them for 5 years... but now, I'm thankful to be gone from there. I realized that I was far more miserable there than I noticed when I was living it and it was holding me back mentally from looking at my life from an honest perspective, since I had such a negative brain all the time. Now that I am free from that negativity, I have decided that it is high time I make my life a life that I actually WANT to live! Not one that I'm forced/obligated to live. That being said, I went and visited the Midwest Culinary Institute at Cincinnati State Technical College a few days ago... I've finally come to the realization that food is my passion. Not just eating, but preparing, providing, nurturing, and healing with food makes me feel alive. I want to learn more about food in all aspects, from seed(where applicable) to the kitchen, and spread this knowledge through cookbooks and eventually opening a restaurant specializing in delicious (and healthy!) vegetarian/vegan foods. Beyond this plan, I also decided tonight that I'm going to start writing a book based upon the knowledge that I've gained while traveling down this Losing Path of mine, in hopes to help someone else change their life for the better.

I realize that this post is a little all over the place but I plan for Monday's post to be right back into the swing of things... brief re-cap with a workout and meal plan listed, as well as any insights/tips which apply. :)  OH and Monday is also my birthday, write that down.

As some of you may have seen on my personal Facebook page earlier, I was having some self-image and self-appreciation issues today. My cousin, who is a really amazing and positive person, has recently come back into my life in a big way and through his help and guidance I've been able to bring my brain into the light, you could say. I've been working on being more positive and loving of myself, but today I had a moment when I wasn't feeling quite so sunny. I was taking Nora for a walk (about 4 miles :) ) and was thinking how great it felt to take an impromptu long walk and get a good sweat and how beneficial it would prove to be, when I passed a parking lot and a swarm of skinny girls with long gorgeous blonde hair, short skirts and high heels stepped out of their car and started walking into a restaurant. The moment I caught sight of them, my entire demeanor dropped and I felt SO negative about myself. I was jealous. I kept thinking to myself, 'man, I wonder what it's like to walk around and look like that all day? Oh, the attention they must get.' Not that I'm some attention-starved whore or anything but let's be honest, every girl likes to hear that they're pretty. My life hasn't exactly been completely void of compliments, I've always been told that I 'have a pretty face' and I'm funny and smart... but the words 'hot', 'sexy' etc were never used to describe me... so it's THAT attention, that which I never received, that I want. My brain/nature is naturally VERY competitive. I want to be the best.. the smartest, the funniest, the best story-teller, the best dressed and - of course - the best looking. I've been working to make all of these things happen and it hurts greatly when an instance such as today occurs and I'm quickly thrown into reality and realize just how far I still have to go.
I had drinks with a friend last weekend and we were talking about body image and it made me realize quite a few things... and just how ignorant we, as a people, really are. My friend is a petite size 2/4, really attractive/funny/smart - the whole package. It was pretty stunning to me to hear how many issues she had with her own body. And she was stunned to hear that being overweight, you have to think/worry about things that the 'normal-sized' person doesn't... like whether or not a bracelet will fit your larger wrist! (this particular point was discussed in detail) Up until recently it never occured to me that a person such as my dear friend would have any reason to have issues with their body... but then I remembered, every person has grown up in their body, and that's the body that they know. We all see our own imperfections far more blatantly than an innocent by-stander. She grew up skinny so she has no reason to think to check the length of a bracelet before trying it on or pay attention to the distance between the table and seat-back in a booth at a restaurant... I don't know how to live my life without immediately thinking of those things. Our minds play cruel tricks on us and our eyes will emphasize something that may not be noticeable at all to others. One thing that my cousin has mentioned multiple times is simply postive self-talk. Wake up in the morning, look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you love you. Remind yourself that you are strong and capable of accomplishing whatever is set in front of you. It's easy to say these things, the hard part comes with believing what you're saying. I'm going to be adding this ritual into my day, and hope that it will help me stay positive.

Anyway! Aside from everything I've mentioned above, this summer is turning out to be a beautiful one! I'm getting to spend so much more time with my Nora and we're both loving it. I decided that I want this summer to be the best one yet so it's up to me to make that happen! And that's exactly what I plan to do. :)

Thank you for your patience and sorry for the rambling... I'm looking forward to having some sort of a normal schedule/life again, including the documentation of my Losing Path for you dear readers. :)

Until Monday, my friends...

4/3/12

Hello there! It’s a happy Tuesday in my world because I have tomorrow and Thursday off of work! Nothing like an extra weekend in the work week! J

Last night we didn’t do much… I got Nora and we went to dinner with Andi and her mom (I shared veggie fajitas with Nora and had some rice & beans) and then we went home and read some books and got ready and went to bed… I could not sleep AT ALL last night but I have still managed to survive the day without Starbucks! I had gotten into a really bad habit of drinking at least 1 vanilla soy latte nearly everyday and I’m trying to cut the caffeine out of my diet again. Much easier said than done when I’m averaging probably 4 hours or less of sleep a night L

Anyway…

Food Today

Breakfast

½ c granola w/ ¼ c light soymilk

Fresh fruit/veggie juice

Snack

½ c fruit & nut trail mix

Lunch

Black bean salad

Chips and salsa (I tried to resist, I promise…)

Snack

Protein tofu

Dinner

TBD – cooking for 1 tonight but I am determined to cook something so I have lunches for the next few days as well!

My plan for this evening is to jog to the gym, do some upperbody weight training and then jog home. That’s my plan. I’m super tired and don’t really have the energy to do it but I’m realllly going to try to get my ass there!

Tomorrow I plan on working out again in the morning and then I’m going to see Titanic in 3D! I’m so excited I can hardly stand it! We’re getting dressed up and having mimosas! If you know me at all, you know how absolutely obsessed I am with this movie and you understand my excitement lol. If you don’t know me, let me just tell you, I am OBSESSED with this movie! It’s actually the only girly-romantic movie that I like… and I like it hard.

Anyway, that’s about all I have for today… I’ll try to update tomorrow with a gleeful report of how great my workouts were tonight and tomorrow morning! J

Until then….

4/2/12

Annnd it’s Monday again! Funny how it always comes back around…

The weekend wasn’t as active as I had hoped… crappy weather on Saturday and a baby shower that I almost forgot about on Sunday put a damper on my plans of hiking with miss Nora.

It was a relatively uneventful weekend…

Friday after work I got Nora and we went home and made mushroom and black bean tacos for dinner and then played a bit and went to bed.

Saturday, miss Nora and I both slept in (needed!) and then we went grocery shopping and ran some errands then over to my parents’ house to watch the UK game. For dinner, I ate some pizza (bad, I know!). Obviously it was a cheese-less veggie pizza, but the crust was pretty oily. And I may or may not have had a few beers during the game. (emphasis on may)

Sunday, Nora and I got up, I made a big pitcher of juice for the week, my granola and some vegan banana cranberry bread! Then I cleaned house, did some laundry and we got ready and went to my cousin’s baby shower. No formal exercise but I did spend about 20 minutes catching/throwing toddlers and then Nora and I walked down to the park and I dominated some monkey bars… turns out, they’re pretty damn hard!

Last night for dinner I had a grilled Portobello burger on WW bun, grilled asparagus, cherry tomatoes and onions and some grilled pineapple for dessert! Needless to say, dinner was AMAZING. I LOVE grilling season so much!!

Food Today

Breakfast

½c granola w/ some blueberries and light soy milk

Snack

½ c fruit & nut trail mix

Lunch

Carrots & roasted pine nut hummus

Snack

Protein tofu

Dinner

Going out for Mexican with miss Andi and Nora J

So I’m a little confused with my scale right now…. On Saturday morning I was really excited because it told me that I lost around 5 pounds last week! (putting me down to 226) So I was pumped and put it on facebook and blah blah… then I weighed myself yesterday morning and it said that I was at 237?! I have a hard time believing that I gained 11 pounds overnight. I’m hoping that there was just something wrong and I’ll try again later this week lol. Regardless, I know I’ve been eating a lot less (however, drinking more) and I did actually workout last week so… ? I don’t know. I stopped worrying too greatly about the number on the scale some time ago, but it is nice to see the numbers go down… and they really haven’t in a while. I’m ready to get back to the downward cycle.

I’m having trouble with… well, life in general right now. I mentioned briefly in my last post that I’m feeling really out-of-place with everything in life and I don’t feel like I fit in anywhere, and that is still completely accurate. I’ve been really depressed lately, especially as of the last week, and I don’t know what to do about it. My brain is craving a giant road trip with the windows down and music up… but I’m thinking that’s not going to happen for like…. Oh, I don’t know, 16 years? I want to go hiking/camping but fear that I may die in the wilderness so that’s probably not a good idea… I just don’t know what to do with my brain. I feel like being in northern Kentucky is clouding my mind and I need some freaking clarity! I have headaches nearly constantly and I’m really tired all of the time. I just want to feel normal and healthy again. One of these days….

So, after that uplifting and motivating schpeel… I believe it’s time for me to head out today.

Until tomorrow…