It's Only Up-Hill from Here! 6/9/12

Aaand, she's back from the dead. 'Dead' is as good of a word as any to describe my mental/emotional status for the last couple of months. The myriad of shit that has been going on has been absolutely nothing short of depressing/exhausting/infuriating/maddening... but I am beyond happy to say that I believe things are finally starting to look up! Here's a very brief catch-up:
1. Branden and I are still separated.
2. I was fired from my job for an absolute bullshit/vague reason.
3. I'm still practiving veganism, though not eating as nutritionally well as I should. (energy level, complexion and nail strength are showing effects of this)
4. Nora and I have moved in with my parents.
5. It's turning out to be a beautiful summer.
6. I've gained 10lbs back.

WELL, now that we're all up to speed, I'm very happy to report that I am really feeling like I'm back in my groove again. I've just completed a week of good ass-busting workouts and I've been working on getting my nutrition back to where it needs to be, though it is still a work-in-progress. (Though honestly, isn't it always?) This week I've mostly been working on getting back into the workouts and kind of testing my fitness level so they haven't all been greatly organized, but on Monday I... have a plan...
I've been running 1 mile at the beginning of each workout this week and I like it so I'm going to continue to do that.
Here's the workout that I did yesterday:

Warm-up: Run 1 Mile
Squats 4(sets) x 12(reps) x 65(lbs)
Kneeling Squats 4 x 12 x 65
Switch Step 4 x 30 seconds
Good Mornings 4 x 12 x 65
Calf Raises 4 x 12(straight)/6(toes in)/6(toes out) x 45
Flutter Kicks 2 x 30 seconds
Plank 2 x 30 seconds
Cool Down(not really cool): Bike 5 Miles

Feeling pretty good after that one!
On Monday I'm going to continue to begin each workout with running 1 mile and then I'm going to incorporate the Crossfit-style workouts that I've done before. It seems that those workouts were the most effective when it came to visibly seeing the improvement in my body, so I'm going to do that again but with the extra cardio. I'm excited!

I'm trying to look at things in a more positive light and take advantage of the positive opportunity given in any situation. I'm determined to make this summer the best one yet! I was really pissed off when I was fired for my job at first, mostly because of the way I was dismissed after having worked my ass off for them for 5 years... but now, I'm thankful to be gone from there. I realized that I was far more miserable there than I noticed when I was living it and it was holding me back mentally from looking at my life from an honest perspective, since I had such a negative brain all the time. Now that I am free from that negativity, I have decided that it is high time I make my life a life that I actually WANT to live! Not one that I'm forced/obligated to live. That being said, I went and visited the Midwest Culinary Institute at Cincinnati State Technical College a few days ago... I've finally come to the realization that food is my passion. Not just eating, but preparing, providing, nurturing, and healing with food makes me feel alive. I want to learn more about food in all aspects, from seed(where applicable) to the kitchen, and spread this knowledge through cookbooks and eventually opening a restaurant specializing in delicious (and healthy!) vegetarian/vegan foods. Beyond this plan, I also decided tonight that I'm going to start writing a book based upon the knowledge that I've gained while traveling down this Losing Path of mine, in hopes to help someone else change their life for the better.

I realize that this post is a little all over the place but I plan for Monday's post to be right back into the swing of things... brief re-cap with a workout and meal plan listed, as well as any insights/tips which apply. :)  OH and Monday is also my birthday, write that down.

As some of you may have seen on my personal Facebook page earlier, I was having some self-image and self-appreciation issues today. My cousin, who is a really amazing and positive person, has recently come back into my life in a big way and through his help and guidance I've been able to bring my brain into the light, you could say. I've been working on being more positive and loving of myself, but today I had a moment when I wasn't feeling quite so sunny. I was taking Nora for a walk (about 4 miles :) ) and was thinking how great it felt to take an impromptu long walk and get a good sweat and how beneficial it would prove to be, when I passed a parking lot and a swarm of skinny girls with long gorgeous blonde hair, short skirts and high heels stepped out of their car and started walking into a restaurant. The moment I caught sight of them, my entire demeanor dropped and I felt SO negative about myself. I was jealous. I kept thinking to myself, 'man, I wonder what it's like to walk around and look like that all day? Oh, the attention they must get.' Not that I'm some attention-starved whore or anything but let's be honest, every girl likes to hear that they're pretty. My life hasn't exactly been completely void of compliments, I've always been told that I 'have a pretty face' and I'm funny and smart... but the words 'hot', 'sexy' etc were never used to describe me... so it's THAT attention, that which I never received, that I want. My brain/nature is naturally VERY competitive. I want to be the best.. the smartest, the funniest, the best story-teller, the best dressed and - of course - the best looking. I've been working to make all of these things happen and it hurts greatly when an instance such as today occurs and I'm quickly thrown into reality and realize just how far I still have to go.
I had drinks with a friend last weekend and we were talking about body image and it made me realize quite a few things... and just how ignorant we, as a people, really are. My friend is a petite size 2/4, really attractive/funny/smart - the whole package. It was pretty stunning to me to hear how many issues she had with her own body. And she was stunned to hear that being overweight, you have to think/worry about things that the 'normal-sized' person doesn't... like whether or not a bracelet will fit your larger wrist! (this particular point was discussed in detail) Up until recently it never occured to me that a person such as my dear friend would have any reason to have issues with their body... but then I remembered, every person has grown up in their body, and that's the body that they know. We all see our own imperfections far more blatantly than an innocent by-stander. She grew up skinny so she has no reason to think to check the length of a bracelet before trying it on or pay attention to the distance between the table and seat-back in a booth at a restaurant... I don't know how to live my life without immediately thinking of those things. Our minds play cruel tricks on us and our eyes will emphasize something that may not be noticeable at all to others. One thing that my cousin has mentioned multiple times is simply postive self-talk. Wake up in the morning, look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you love you. Remind yourself that you are strong and capable of accomplishing whatever is set in front of you. It's easy to say these things, the hard part comes with believing what you're saying. I'm going to be adding this ritual into my day, and hope that it will help me stay positive.

Anyway! Aside from everything I've mentioned above, this summer is turning out to be a beautiful one! I'm getting to spend so much more time with my Nora and we're both loving it. I decided that I want this summer to be the best one yet so it's up to me to make that happen! And that's exactly what I plan to do. :)

Thank you for your patience and sorry for the rambling... I'm looking forward to having some sort of a normal schedule/life again, including the documentation of my Losing Path for you dear readers. :)

Until Monday, my friends...